Insanity - also known as gardening

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

It wasn’t until my parents and 3 of my siblings were sitting on an incredibly empty aeroplane and air stewards were wondering why a normally busy flight had 45 empty seats, that they sensed that something might have gone wrong somewhere. The matter was ‘resolved’ when booking forms were produced by the airline showing that my parents had actually managed to book 50 seats on the flight rather than the 5 they required. As it turns out, when booking, the payment page had kept crashing and so, not wanting to miss out on a flight that appeared to be booking up inexplicably fast, my parents filled out the details and tried again. And again. And so on.

I will have to hope that such foolhardiness does not run in the family. Being the old man that I am, I have decided that an excellent use of my time is to start growing vegetables. Is this because I am a nurturing, outdoorsy, naturally green fingered person? Some say yes. But most of those voices are from unverified or unreliable sources. As it happens, the evidence would suggest quite the contrary. Here is a picture of the last plant put into my charge. As you can see, this new undertaking may not come naturally to me.

A housewarming gift. Honestly, it barely survived the housewarming let alone the following 12 months.

A housewarming gift. Honestly, it barely survived the housewarming let alone the following 12 months.

All this was of course pointed out to me when I declared that some large vegetable beds would shortly be appearing in the garden. But I was not to be deterred. And mere months after said flat-pack vegetable beds arrived I leapt into action, half-heartedly screwing them together. Please see evidence below. As you can see, I take manual labour far more seriously than Theo, who was assisting. The fool clearly knows nothing about DIY as he decided to risk life and limb by operating a handheld screwdriver without even wearing a hard hat. Some people just like to live life on the edge.

Believe it or not there is actually an underlying reason to this endeavour. Besides the fact that I would quite like to grow some of my own food, if nothing else for the experience, the mid-term plan is to construct a menu around the produce grown (assuming I successfully manage to grow anything at all) and then to launch it on an unsuspecting public in the form of a supperclub.

As the beginnings of the snazzy new website you are currently on may indicate, this is part of a broader plan I am transitioning towards as I attempt to move more into freelance and private chef work having had quite enough of doing what others would like me to. On the homepage there’s a newsletter sign up form which you will obviously want to return to immediately and fill out so that you can keep abreast of ongoing developments. I mean, who wouldn’t want to eat a beetroot in 6 months’ time that I’ve bought from Tesco and buried outside to give the impression of my gardening prowess?

But seriously, stay tuned for updates as the supperclubs begin to come to fruition. They will actually be starting up before I have ever actually grown anything, the idea being to transition over to using home grown vegetables over time.

And that is all I have for you. Sure, I could have written about pancakes, but I reckon everyone else is doing that already.

N.B. As I drive off into the sunset on my tractor here is an interesting fact for the week: although the quote at the start of this article is commonly attributed to Einstein, there is little evidence that it actually came from him. It has been attributed at various times to Mark Twain, Ben Franklin and Rita Mae Brown.